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where does the time go? [20 Aug 2015|06:02pm]
time is just flying by..
it's insanely weird and i am struggling, of course

i feel like i have been so many versions of myself and i don't know how to transition to the next one..
I've grown so much, yet not at all. I'm growing out of so many friendships and I feel like my past is a sham, I am so awkward and confused. I am not coping with any of this. Life is so difficult and I feel like I am sabotaging my own happiness. Happiness seems unattainable but I need to change my mindset.

It's all in my head! Fake it till I feel it. Mind over matter. Timing is everything AND everything happens for a reason.

I need to get over instant gratification because it never ends up being worth it.
I need to focus on patience and staying in the moment.
The future and the past seem to be holding me down.
i want to disappear and gain independence.
i feel like i am bringing everyone down and making life worse.
i don't know how to handle anything.

POSITIVITY.. i need to change my thoughts..

New job.. strictly x-ray finally, saving money, moving out again seems to become more and more feasible.. Everything is a slow process and I need to comprehend that!

Relationship struggles, need to back off focus on myself and make concrete changes that will be most beneficial for myself. I need to support myself. I need to be patient. I need to be productive. I need to find me.

I need to find me.

I cannot handle other people. It is getting harder as the years go by.
I don't have faith in people .. I need to put faith in myself.

The struggle is real. Sorry not sorry. Fresh air don't care.

Fuck it Fuck off

I have to be okay and overcome my own personal negativity.
I will grow no matter what. I am okay.
learn to make heat

omg [01 Apr 2014|08:59pm]
this is all too funny ..

such bad grammar and awkward memories ..

yet so little about me has actually changed ..

tired depressed chunky lol

changes, please

have to learn to embrace being me and not caring about so many outside factors ..
learn to make heat

independence [17 Dec 2012|08:56pm]
and we meet again ...

TwentyTwelve finally pulling through in the end.

This year has been a ridiculously huge wake up call.
Moving in.Losing my job.Breaking up.Moving Home.Starting Over.

I am learning so much about myself and my boundaries and limits and self limitations and improvements and potential.
2012 has hopefully been my rock bottom. I am ready to go up from here and I am slowly taking the steps to make that happen.

People change and I can be included. Change doesn't have to be bad. Change is the perfect solution at the moment. Things can't keep going the way they have been.
The definition of INSANITY.
I am making progress and I still have a long way to go, but I am definitely heading in the right direction. If I hit another roadblock or bump, I'll still be on the right track. I am on my own, paving my way.

I don't need a boyfriend or my parents support. I need to focus on myself and make decisions on what is going to make me happy. No one else is looking out for me as much as they say they are. I have to look out for number one because at the end of the day I am all that I have left.

Friends come and go. Boyfriends come and go. I am here for the entire journey, I better start enjoying it.
I need to surround myself with better quality people and not worry about quantity.

I have a new job and X-Ray will come back into the picture.
Restructuring and taking a break to INVENTORY my life.
This is all positive and shaping and healthy.

The grieving process is on its way and huge changes and going against the plan is fine. I am going to be okay.

I am proud I have gotten myself to this point and it hasn't been easy and it will continue not to be. I am thankful for my support system and I plan to ween myself off of them for that. January has been my timeframe so this is fine.

I am handling all of this and growing into my own person and embracing this journey.

Thankful its almost 2013 and excited for whats to come. Finding my strength.
learn to make heat

... III ... [27 Feb 2012|09:55pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Wish I wouldn't put myself through this. For once, I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to take a stand for myself, no one else is going to.

I need to get out of my fucking fantasy world. I am miserable. I need to accept it and change it.

But still, I think I know the answer and it's not the outcome I WANT.

I need to get over this whole WANT concept... it never works to my advantage. It completely hurts me instead. Expectations are my downfall. Wasted words don't help. I can't believe anything anymore. Where is the trust? The teamwork? The effort? The support? The compromise? The love?


learn to make heat

ChchchCHANGESSSSSS! [09 Feb 2011|08:46am]
The tail end of 10 was interesting! Jobbersssssss! and no more booooze.

TwentyEleven thooooooo has been way more interesting.
Moved the eff out! Looooving being on my own <3 it is exactly what I needed :p AWESOME BLUE WALL ten mins away from work 3 mins from Brent's feeling more comfy down here just have to hang out with friends down here more :) once i stop being a sickie i will start that up!

So life is pretty magical right now <3 just trying to stay on the positive side

Gonna apply to hospitals again soon! ANother change wouldn't hurt.

Not drinking has made life a lot better annnnd i dont miss it much ... funny how that worked out.

Off to a good start this year Hollaaaaaaa.
learn to make heat

JINXed [02 Aug 2010|09:59am]
JINXed Indeed.

Jobless and in a full on rut.

Lot's of reading and writing things out to get a better hold of myself.

Slowly making progress but no where near where i would like to be. I keep relying on others to help me, but unless i get there on my own it won't stick. Depending on others just gives me a wasted place to put my blame. It really all boils down to just me.

Me Me Me. Why is that so hard?
If I cant get what I want for myself noone else will be able to either.

SIGHHHHH. Things were looking up. I have to stop dwelling on the decline.

I am going to get out of this and be HAPPY with me and all thats around me.
learn to make heat

<3 [26 May 2010|10:51pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I feel so accomplished ... now i just need a JAYohhBEE eek!!

This weekend went ridiculously awesome <3
I am so blessed to be surrounded by amazing people and to be given such an amazing opportunity in life. Slowly but surely all the pieces seem to be fitting together ... i feel the jinxing setting in haha ... now the jobbers just needs to fall into place next :)

I have not felt this happy in a long time and a lot of it is thanks to meeeeeeee HAHA oh goodness silly but true ... i really freaking did it. Now everything will amplify it. I dont know why i havent let that settle in sooner but something feels so right finally and with soooo many things.

THE HUNT IS ONNNNNN and so is some fun in the meantime :) woohoo class of 2010 AMAAAAAZING!

learn to make heat

Eeeeeeeeeee! [20 May 2010|04:32pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

WOW ... I freaking graduate tomorrow!

lol this sounds familiar :D

holy shit though! 2 years went by so fast ... hardest craziest funnest most interesting years of my life. Great people Great experiences. I have learned sooooo much and have been touched by some of the most amazing people. It's weird to think i won't be seeing tons of these people again :/ ... all of the wonderful (and not so wonderful ;) ) techs, my fellow future techs and the crazy teachers. Ay Yay Yay ... growing up :)

Good times then and good times ahead. Sooooo exhilirating!

learn to make heat

[29 Mar 2010|07:47am]
I really wish I could turn my brain off sometimes. :(
learn to make heat

2010 [31 Dec 2009|02:31pm]
new year new attitude new me

learn to make heat

Communicationnnn [19 Dec 2009|12:53pm]
I'm not the only one who needs to work on it ... SHEESH. I feel better but i want to keep it like this. YEs please :) ugh
learn to make heat

Any other week ... [18 Dec 2009|08:51am]
If it would have been any other fucking week! ANNNNND you had to go meet her. So that's two trips to van nueys and multiple trips to laverne staying out and about there. I HAD FUCKING SUGERY AND YOU COULDNT STOP BY.

learn to make heat

[16 Dec 2009|06:50pm]
I don't understand how san diego could be so incredibly perfect and coming back could be total shit.

I just had surgery ... he isn't supposed to be like this. This is bullshit! What the fuck is he gonna do when I wise up?! He is gonna get hurt that's what! FUCK i just want him to open his eyes. He needs to grow up and straighten out his priorities. Fucker! So unreasonable. Just acknowledge some of this shit.
learn to make heat

ridiculousnessss uh ohhh [08 Dec 2009|02:32pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

soooooo this semester is finally coming to a close! CANNOT WAIIIIT! this break is much needed and is sounding fun thus far....

San diego friday with Brent :) ... dancing and zooooooo! Sooo Sited!
Surgery Monday :( not so sited for that UGHH ... 2 week soft diet shall be grand tho!
Hard New Year's Eve!!!!!
Vegassssssss twiceish in Januaray :D Gonna reunite with Karlykinz <3

New Year! Growing up and growing apart. Not negative just a break from people and stress and time for me :)

Going to learn to be a better problem solver. Def done with the people pleasing. Gonna make big strides.

Break and Change. It happens and we can all reconnect later. I have to find myself in the meantime. I can't let this stress me out ... it is not my fault ... we are all just different now.

My continuous cycle will hopefully be breaking :D


learn to make heat

WOW. [28 Nov 2009|10:34am]
Definitely did not see that coming!

Wonder how things will go once he gets home. So curioussssssssss.

♥ goodness gracious
learn to make heat

Kablooey!! [29 Oct 2009|03:16pm]
Life is getting sooo much better ... lots of progress :D

Things are definitely looking up and improving. Now i just have to start talking to other people to expand on this sweet progress.

It really is the little things in life lol <3
learn to make heat

I guess this is growing up [18 Aug 2009|02:15pm]
No more crutches ... those being alcohol or hell even people. :( not fair to others and not fair to me on top of that.

More positivity. There is always a bright side to something.

No more sweating the small stuff. Worrying needs to go out the window ... and if it does happen it should only be about me and my actions.

ME ME ME ME ME ME. Working it out. Positive, healthy changes! Yes, GO, Game On!
learn to make heat

Don't forget the soap... [12 Aug 2009|12:22pm]
[ mood | nerdy ]

Meteor showerrrr last night! Little bit dinky, but still fun!

Sitting on a mountain top for 2 and a half hours stargazing = amazing!! Much needed time to relaxxxx and be free lol. Dancing, flashlights, pandoraaaaa. B-Ray forgot the soap, but i forgot the camera hahaha and towels apparently. Thank goodness for Matt's crackberry ... Look to the north and shield your eyes from the moon. BEST ADVICE EVER. ... if only the meteors got the memo lol. Sooo good! More nights like that need to happen <3

learn to make heat

[11 Aug 2009|04:03pm]
It amazes me how two people can perceive the same situation so entirely different from one another.
learn to make heat

i cannot get enough of theseeee [07 Aug 2009|05:39pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

craziness all around. what is this teethy business?! :O how depressing hahaha.

lots of talking, lots of crying, lots of drinking, lots of lots of things ... LOTS OF LEARNINGGGGGG.

baby steps ... living in the NOW. No Past. No Future. NOWWWWWWWWWWW. :D

learn to make heat

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